I sat my son down and showed him the letter that Rehteah’s father wrote and explained to him what happened. He nodded his head. He made the connection between her and the rape survivor in Steubenville. I asked him how many of his peers know that having sex with someone who is drunk and who doesn’t say ‘yes’ is rape. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea to have sex with someone who is drunk. I asked him if it would be wise to have sex if he was drunk as well. And I asked him what he’d do if he was in a similar situation; at a party and someone was taking photos of someone who’d just been raped.

My son, who is 15, told me that his friends don’t talk about that sort of thing. He told me that it wouldn’t be a good idea to have sex with someone who is drunk because they might not have really wanted it and it was the alcohol messing their judgment up. He said that he wouldn’t want to have sex with someone if he was drunk as well because that could really mess things up. He said that he’d want to be sure he wanted to have sex and being sober was the best way. He told me that if he were at a party and something like that had happened and he didn’t do anything, he’d be an accomplice to the rape. He didn’t want that. 

At that point, I said to him that if he is in that situation, he needs to call me. I thought about it and said, ‘no. Better yet, call the police. Call 911 and tell them someone has been raped and they’re taking photos. Tell them that they need to get there right away.’ He was all right with that but was less OK with being identified as the person who called. He thought that the reason kids didn’t call 911 during those situations is because they assumed that some other kid was going to call and in the end, nobody did anything.

I asked him if a campaign to encourage kids to stop that and to report it would be a good thing. He wasn’t too sure. He said that everyone has freedom of choice and that by pushing it down kids’ throats, it’d do more harm than good. He thought that it wouldn’t work. I gently pointed out to him that it’s important to make people aware of things and that it takes a campaign to make people think and change their minds.

He wasn’t entirely convinced. He maintained that people still have the freedom of choice and even if they know what the right thing to do is, they might choose not to do it.

I am very glad I had this conversation with him. It points out some things that activists would rather not remember at times: that as much as we educate and as much as we inform and spread the news, it’s still up to people to choose to act upon that information.

It was a difficult conversation because at one point, he told me, ‘that’s cos you’re a feminist.’ I said to him, ‘there’s nothing wrong with being a feminist.’ He agreed but the comment has stuck with me.

Raising a son and raising a son as a single mother has been particularly challenging (I actually have two sons and haven’t gotten the thoughts of my younger one yet). I have to decode things for them that misogyny and society embeds in their subconscious. I have to remind them that feminism is not a dirty word. That they need to stop and think about what rape culture tells them. They need to reconsider and they need to push back against peer pressure as much as they can. I encourage them to stand up for those who are helpless and vulnerable. It pleased me immensely when he grasped right away that not doing anything made him an accomplice to rape. I don’t think many teen agers would be able to think in those terms; I’m not sure many adults would think of that angle.

Still. It was a hard conversation for him. He didn’t like talking about the sexual components. He absolutely wanted to end it when I asked him about sexual scenarios (so if you’re with someone and you’re almost ready to have sex and that person says no, how do you respond?). I get that it’s the age and kids absolutely don’t like talking about sex with their parents. I’m sure most parents don’t like the thought of their kids having sex.

But. It’s important to push through the discomfort and the reluctance to have these conversations because parents need to know how their kids think about rape and consent and boundaries. Parents need to be able to address myths and misconceptions. Parents need to be able to tell their kids, ‘no. This is absolutely wrong and this is why.’ And they need to praise their kids when their kids say, ‘this is wrong and this is what I’d do.’

I told my son I was proud of him for being willing to call the police if he was in a similar scenario such as Steubenville. I told him that I’d vouch for him to anyone who needed it. I know that by me standing by him if he had to act upon it, it’d make him more willing to make the call.

So I’ll continue having these difficult conversations. I’ll risk his displeasure and discomfort. The more he knows what’s consensual and what’s not, the more he’s aware of rape culture and how it’s embedded in society and the media, the more he can choose to stand up against it. The more he can choose to make good sexual choices and use active consensual sex.

He’s right, of course. It’s all about personal choice. Now that I know how he thinks, I know better how to educate him and to support him in making the right choices when it comes to rape, consent, and refusing to stand by and do nothing.

—Kimberia

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of Steubenville rape trial, rape apologists, mass media and social media response

First of all, I’d like to thank Anonymous for pushing the issue in the first place. It says something when it takes an outside force to make sure justice happens when there should have been no hesitation in the first place.

Second of all, I want to make sure all of you are doing OK. I have been following the news and it’s triggered the hell out of me, to be honest. I don’t want to be around people I don’t know (which is problematic since I go to a community college and there are people I don’t know there all the time), I don’t want to be touched without my permission, and I surely don’t want to hear the asinine statements by rape apologists in person.

It’s bad enough that I’m reading them on the internet. At least with the internet, it’s not a human being reminding me of my own “involvement” if you will, of my rapes.

I hope that you have taken the time to do what’s soothing and safe for you. I drink tea and snuggle down into electric blankets and listen to music. I talk to my closest most trusted friends and (no surprise here) write my thoughts out.

Here’s a gentle hug if you wish it…or just some solidarity. If you’re having a hard time, you’re not alone. I’m here right beside you, I understand, and I’ll give you the support you need. There are more people than you know who are also with you…everyone who supports and believes in what SlutWalk Minneapolis is fighting for, we’re all in this together.

Third off, let’s give CNN and Fox News a big round of applause for their less than sensitive approach towards the outcome of the trial. Yes, that’s sarcasm, there.

It’s been pointed out to me that CNN was angling for a Dramatic Conclusion to the verdict. Fine, I’ll be the bigger person and concede that could be a possibility.

But what I saw was reporters mourning the ‘ruined lives’ of two rapists. Really? The continuous ‘awww, look at these poor guys’ slant had me puking in my mouth. 

No one will want you now? Well, fuck, no. Who’d want someone who lets someone else get drunk, then rapes that person, then takes pictures of it?

Ruined lives? Cry me a fucking river. How about the young girl whose body was violated in more ways than one? How about her own reputation, self esteem, and dignity?

People might say, ‘this is an object lesson for others. See? This is what happens when you rape. Your lives are ruined. Your future is in tatters.’

And while that’s how it *should* be, to our society and its view on rape, the rape culture is alive and well.

The reactions have been more akin to: ‘their lives are ruined and it’s that girl’s fault!’ and ‘She got drunk, she asked for it!’ and ‘Those boys were victimized—they’re innocent!’

That’s rape culture alive and well in America and if you don’t believe me, there’s been plenty of evidence in the last 24 hours of rape apologists taking the side of the rapists and blaming the young girl for what happened to her.

Let me make this crystal fucking clear.

The young girl drank alcohol and got drunk. The ONLY things she should be worried about are the following:

• a headache that rivals elephants running in her living room
• the inside of her mouth feeling like a 70’s shag rug after a New Year’s Eve Party
• Her eyes looking redder than the Hounds of the Baskervilles
• A thirst for more water than the Mississippi river can provide

She should NOT have been worried about:

• Getting raped and/or sexually assaulted
• Her body being violated while she was unconscious
• Pictures taken of her during and after the rape
• Slut shaming
• Survivor blaming
• Rape apologists siding with her rapists

But there we go, folks. This is the brand new Scarlet Letter, only instead of an ‘A’, it’s an ‘R’ and it’s open season on the survivors and sympathy for the rapists because that, my friends, is rape culture.

She’d been kept anonymous (up to the point where both CNN and Fox News aired her name) because like most rape survivors, pressing charges is a brutal affair. 

As a rape survivor myself, I knew if I pressed charges, my whole sexual history would be judged upon. What I wore that night would be judged upon. If I drank anything or if I used drugs, that would be judged upon. 

In many ways, it’s like being violated twice because it’s society looking at my actions and who I am and passing verdict. And that is exhausting. That hurts the mind and it hurts the soul and it becomes fertile ground for PTSD and nightmares and triggers.

I know these things. So I understand why she needed anonymity because our society is not kind is not sympathetic is not good to rape survivors who have the guts and the strength to take their rapists to court.

And seeing how the media has reacted to these rapists, seeing how she has been treated in social media, is it any surprise that most rape survivors choose not to press charges? 

1 out of 15 rapists actually go to jail. That means, my friends, that 14 rapists are still out and about in society. Amongst you. Free to rape again because our rape culture colludes with their behavior.

Do you blame us rape survivors for PTSD, for being triggered, for not talking about what happened to us to *anyone*? 

Frankly, this has triggered the hell out of me because I know how she feels and I know how people reacted to me and I know that if I were to tell what happened to me *even now*, I’d still have people say, ‘you did something to have this happen to you.’

There are ruined lives here, but the sympathy and the empathy need to rest on the shoulders of the survivor. The care and the concern and the outraged reactions need to be in her corner. We should be giving her support and allying with her and cheering, loudly, over the guilty verdict and jubilant that finally, we get our day in court, too.

But.

It hasn’t played out like that. And it’s a struggle to keep our heads high, to remind ourselves that it wasn’t our fault, to tell ourselves that despite society and the rape culture, WE MATTER and WE ARE BELIEVED and WE DID NOTHING WRONG.

Here. Let me say that again.

YOU MATTER. YOU ARE BELIEVED. YOU DID NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY *NOTHING* WRONG.

We know this but it bears repeating time and time again. Society says, ‘don’t get raped. It needs to be ‘don’t rape.’

And put the blame where it belongs. On the rapist.

—Kimberia

Hullo, everyone!

So much for that big ol’ blizzard storm that was supposed to happen this past weekend. It did ruin my plans to go to a housewarming party so boo on that but really? 

It’s embarrassing to see that the Northeast got the snow we usually brag about. 

Ah, Minnesota.

Next week is our Board Meeting and as you know (or maybe you didn’t) our Board Meetings are open to the public. We would love to meet our fellow SlutWalk Minneapolis supporters and advocates and any ideas you have is always worth consideration.

We’d love for you to stop by next week because we are doing something that’s really super important.

We have an official flyer and it’s a great flyer. I’m fond of it since I wrote the information in it, my vice president designed how it looks, and our wonderful awesome Timothee, graphic designer extraordinaire made our logos. It’s pretty spiffy, as we say.

But. It’s been over a year and we want to make sure we’re keeping it real. We want to make sure we look as inclusive as we say we are. 

I’m a big proponent of walking the talk. 

So we’re going to look over our flyer and our Mission Statement and tear it apart so we can put it back together stronger than ever before.

And doing that means we want you to come on and help us turn this mother out.

We’d love to meet you and add your voice to the re-working of who we are.

Our themes haven’t changed. We’re still advocating change in the rape culture. We’re still against slut shaming and survivor blaming. We aren’t backing down at all from any of that.

We just want to make sure we’re including everyone who should be included. 

If you want to come, we meet in the basement of The Living Table, United Church of Christ. They are our first organization of faith who’ve allied with us and they’re pretty darn cool.

We meet every third Wednesday of the month at 7 pm in the basement. 

The address is 4001 38th Avenue South, Minneapolis 55406

They’re off of Hiawatha (Highway 55) and is reachable by bus (you’d have to walk a couple of blocks to get to the church) and by light rail (you’d have to walk a few blocks but it’s still easily accessible).

We are handicapped accessible as well with an elevator in the church for those who might need it.

We look forward to seeing you next Wednesday, if you can make it!

-Kimberia

Hi there!

Kimberia again, hoping that you’re all doing OK and that the recent bad weather hasn’t been too rough on you. The sub-zero temperatures and icy roads have made Minnesota not the easiest place to live in right now…but spring is just around the corner!

From time to time, I’ve asked members of the SlutWalk Minneapolis Board to write a blog post. I’m honoured to have such awesome people on the Board with me and it’s always a pleasure to introduce them to you.

Allyson is the Volunteer Chair and she’s such an awesome person…funny, smart, kind, and simply amazing. I’ve asked her to write up a short bio and then submit her post.

Enjoy!

*****

Hello all! My name is Allyson and I am the Volunteer Coordinator with SlutWalk Minneapolis. I have enjoyed every aspect of SlutWalk since I joined the committee in June. I find this group to be very empowering and love the message that it sends. It’s don’t rape, not don’t get raped! If you ever want to be a part of this wonderful message by volunteering, please email me at slutwalkminneapolis+volunteers@gmail.com. 

2.78 million men in the U.S. have been victims of sexual assault or rape ( see reference). It is easy to forget that rape isn’t just a female issue. Rape is a human issue; both men and women are affected by rape culture every day.  As an example, a new commercial for Oikos Greek Yogurt features a scene where a woman grabs the face of John Stamos and kisses him.   It is obvious—from the expression on John Stamos’ face—that this kiss was not invited, and it therefore constitutes sexual assault.  Why is sexual assault towards a man used as a marketing ploy?  It’s a good question to which I wish I had a reasonable answer. We must not forget that men are survivors too and we must never minimize their experiences. 

In response to this, SlutWalk Minneapolis is creating t-shirts that are male-oriented. Our initial ideas for slogans are:  ‘My Dick Has Manners’ and ‘Bros Respect Nos.’ What are your thoughts? Do you have suggestions? We would love to hear from you! 

Reference: 

National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control & Prevention. Prevalence, Incidence and Consequences of Violence Against Women Survey. 1998.

A resource for male survivors who need support: http://www.malesurvivor.org/default.html

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of transphobia

You have got to be kidding me.

I heard about this and was appalled but I didn’t know the particulars until I read this fine essay in Jezebel. Here, take a minute, read the essay, and let’s talk, shall we?

http://jezebel.com/5975828/transphobia-is-a-goddamn-embarrassment-to-us-all

Are your mouths closed yet? Have you gotten over your shock and is the rage setting in? Wait for it…it took me about ten minutes of sputtering before I was able to clear the red fog from my vision and think about how I wanted to write this post without resorting to the type of profanity that would make Samuel L Jackson blush.

No, really.

And I can’t promise that some swear words won’t slip in cos yeah, I’m responsible for my writing and I’m very aware of what words I choose to use and I may choose to use some profanity cos honestly? As they say, ‘I can’t even.’

One of the tenets of SlutWalk Minneapolis is that we acknowledge that rape and/or sexual assault can happen to anyone. As I’ve said, it’s the worst mix and match in the world. Heterosexual rape, same sex rape…it can and does happen no matter what a person’s sexual orientation or identity is.

Amongst the Queer community, the transgender people are the most vulnerable and the ones least likely to report a sex crime.

When you have walking eejits like those two women spouting their bullshit for all and sundry to hear, when you have people beating, murdering, and raping transgender people, when a transgender person can’t even get decent health care or can’t use a restroom without fear for their *life*…

Come on. Would you expect them to report being raped?

Would you expect them to not only deal with the trauma of the rape itself, but also the trauma of police officers who treat them horribly, health care professionals who don’t give them the dignity and care they need and deserve, and a justice system that questions their very identity…

Would you expect them to make that call?

And would it surprise you that rapists prey on them because they know they CAN?

It shouldn’t but it does and that’s why we talk about it. On this blog. In person. Whenever and however we can, we educate people so they think about it.

This spring, SlutWalk Minneapolis hopes to be part of the Minnesota TransHealth Conference that will be held in South Minneapolis. I’m co-authoring a proposal with an amazing woman who is an advocate and transgender as well. We would have a presentation and a round robin discussion amongst the transgender community at our session about what needs to be done in our own wider community to ensure that transgender people can report a sex crime and know they will be treated fairly, respectfully, compassionately.

Transphobia is hurtful to everyone. Curiousity and wanting to learn more about the transgender community is one thing; hatred and demeaning comments and beliefs are another.

So if you have to ask if being transphobic makes you look stupid, let me help with as much bluntness as I can muster: YES.  HELL, YES.

-Kimberia

Hi, everyone!

My apologies for not blogging so long in this space. My own life has been one hell of a ride lately and I’ve had to back away and take care of things. But now that everything is stabilizing, it’s time to get back to the drawing board and write about all sorts of things.

2012 was a hard year for rape survivors. We were constantly reminded of how little we mean to certain people. We had politicians saying the most hurtful things about us and heard other people agreeing with their words.

We were witness to rape apologies, made aware of rape apologists (perhaps even amongst our own friends/family/Chosen family), and had to deal with being triggered yet still rock our awesome lives.

Exhausting, yeah?

And now, it’s 2013 and there is trouble in River City. We’ve been inundated with images and stories from around the world. We’ve wept over the injustice, raged against those who blamed the survivors (and Jyoti, may she never be forgotten), and tended our own inner wounds.

It’s still fucking exhausting.

So this is where I, as a fellow rape survivor and believer in self-care and everything that comes with that has this to say:

Take good care of yourself.

It’s OK to turn off the TV, shut off the laptop, close the printed news. Sometimes, it’s just too much and a person needs a break.

Take a walk, play with your pet(s), call someone who understands and talk to them, see your therapist, exercise, watch a movie, read a book, make some coffee/tea, write in your journal/blog/notebook, paint/draw/sculpt/create….

And remember that being a survivor does not define you completely. Being a survivor does not invalidate you or what happened to you no matter what anyone else says. Being a survivor means you are worthy of respect, support, love, understanding, compassion, and care.

You are amazing. Take good care of yourself.

-Kimberia

At this year’s SlutWalk Minneapolis’ event, I asked that you would consider some important matters coming up in November.

I reminded you it was an Election Year and after being pummeled by certain Republican senators, we had the opportunity to speak our minds with the power of the ballot.

I asked you to vote NO on the Marriage Amendment and Voter ID. I asked you to remember that Love is Love and that the Voter ID was just a clever Jim Crow law in disguise.

And you responded. Not just in our great state of Minnesota where you took a stand against both Amendments and defeated them both but also throughout the United States.

Five senators weren’t re-elected or elected in their states. Todd “legitimate rape” Akin (MO), Richard “God intended” Mourdock (IN), Roger “some girls, they rape so easy” Rivard (WI), Tom “baby out of wedlock similar to rape” Smith (PA), and John “rape equals abortion” Koster (WA). Those men were defeated at the ballot box.

It helped ease the hurt and pain I’ve felt when hearing these idiotic words throughout the year. 

These gentlemen supported the Rape Culture in some of the most monstrous ways they could: by using rape as an excuse to shame rape survivors on a national level, by using the media to spread their hateful, ignorant messages, and by showing no compassion whatsoever to a rape survivor who might become pregnant as a result.

Honestly, all I could think of was the fact that if I had become pregnant from one of my rapes, I’d have not only my own decision but would have had society judging me if I didn’t make the ‘moral’ or ‘right one.’ 

If I’d chose to have the baby, depending on where I lived, the person who raped me would have parental rights. Or even be able to claim parental rights and take away any choice I had to begin with when it came to abortion.

And you know, enough is enough.

I voted, you voted, the nation voted, and spoke: ENOUGH. 

It gives me hope. It gives me hope that we are getting fed up as a society who blames the survivor. It gives me hope that there’s a sea change that respects the person’s right to say ‘NO’ whatever the circumstances. It gives me hope that we’ll start teaching our children about active consensual sex, about respecting another’s body and demanding respect for theirs.

Now, I know the womens’ bodies amongst us aren’t female ducks but during this election, we had that one function in common that was falsely attributed to us.

We voted and we shut that shit down.

- Kimberia

Tonight is Open Mic night at Minnehaha Free Space in Minneapolis. It is a safe, supportive, welcoming place for survivors and allies to get their groove on. Stories are told, poetry read, prose and song and whatever else moves a person to stand up and be counted.

Our hope is that the Open Mic night gives survivors a voice in a world, a culture where their voice has been told ‘shut up.’ ‘Be quiet.’ ‘I don’t believe you.’ ‘You asked for it.’ 

It gives allies a voice in saying, ‘Don’t shut up.’ ‘Don’t be quiet.’ ‘I believe you.’ ‘You did NOT ask for it.’

We’ve hosted four Open Mics thus far; each Open Mic had its own flavour, its own identity. Each Open Mic was shaped by the people there and we were grateful and blessed to have such awesome people take part in the evening.

There is always the specter of facts and statistics that sit in the room with us. After all, one out of four women have been raped and one out of six men. And that’s just cisgender statistics. It doesn’t take into account genderqueer, gender neutral or those who identify in something other than male/female.

There can be anger. There can be tears. There can be fear. There is a certain fragility and vulnerability when it comes to speaking about ‘That’. Or ‘The Incident’ or ‘What Happened to Me.’ 

It’s OK if one’s voice shakes. It’s OK if there are tears. We are all there to provide strength and encouragement and comfort.

Please join us tonight. Minnehaha Free Space is located at 3747 Minnehaha Avenue South, just off of Hiawatha and 38th (Highway 55). There is ample parking on the street and there is a small parking lot.

Alcoholic beverages are not allowed but feel free to bring your pop, juice, or bottled water.

We’ll also have our awesome SlutWalk Minneapolis merchandise for sale…we have some great t shirts and hoodies.

I will be hosting the Open Mic and there are no words to describe how honoured I am to share my story, to hear your story…to be there as a survivor, an ally, a friend.

I look forward to seeing you tonight.

—Kimberia

Hey, this is Kimberia and I’m pleased to present my next blogger, Nick, who is my Committee Chair for SlutWalk Minneapolis. Nick is a very dedicated volunteer. He and his lovely wife, Elizabeth, live down in Rochester but drive up to the Cities for our monthly Board meetings and all SlutWalk events. Here is his blog post.  Enjoy!

  Hi, my name is Nick Zuleger, and I’m honored to serve in the role of Chairperson for Slutwalk Minneapolis.  For those of you who might be confused by why our founder, Kim Sherva-Plante, doesn’t serve in this position, I’m going to describe what the role of Chairperson serves in this organization.  My job is to help create the organizational framework that will allow Slutwalk Minneapolis to not only hold the annual Slutwalk, but to also provide support towards activities that will, in time, help change our society’s attitudes towards survivors of sexual violence and intimidation.  I run our monthly board meetings, provide the agenda items that need to be addressed (in close cooperation with our Managing Director position which is our actual public head currently held by Kim), and generally recommend the creation of policies, procedures, and even positions that will make our organization stronger and more resilient.  We’ll need those qualities for the struggle ahead.

                Some of you have personally experienced sexual violence and intimidation.  Others of you know someone who has.   And there are some of you who are coming into this interested in hearing more about what we’re about, but feeling that you’ve not really been touched by such ugly things.  I’m here…no WE’RE here to tell you that these things touch you in ways you aren’t even aware.  Society biases us to view sexual violence and intimidation as the fault of the survivor, not the perpetrator.  Despite laws that criminalize rape, sexual crimes often aren’t prosecuted or prosecuted successfully because of that bias.  I’m not just talking about police officers, prosecutors, judges, or even juries who fail to take sexual assault seriously.  I’m talking about the people survivors count on for support - friends, family, mentors, and acquaintances.   A survivor who stands up to their attacker not only tends to do so alone, but often finds that the world is squarely in their attacker’s corner.  Everyone questions their integrity, their honesty, and their morals.  If you don’t think that’s so, allow me to ask you a hypothetical question.  If someone told you they’d been raped or you heard that someone had accused another of rape, what would your first questions to the survivor be?

Who were you with?

What were you doing?

Were you drunk?

Where did it happen?

What were you wearing?

Did you fight back?

Did you say “NO!”

Were you leading them on?

                If any of those questions sound reasonable to you, you’ve just fallen into the trap of blaming the survivor.  Even if you acknowledge that the person was raped, you’ve likely concluded that they did something that, at the very least, contributed to the chances that something bad was going to happen to them.  It’s precisely that unconscious bias that levels a devastating amount of shame and guilt to the trauma of rape.  It’s why sexual assault is one of the least reported crimes there is.  Catch someone dead to rights on any other crime – fraud, robbery, arson, assault, battery, murder, etc. and that person can’t hope to successfully defend themselves by even implying that the person they committed the crime against was “asking for it”.  Yet someone who’s committed rape can make that implication and make it stick.  Worse, they have the power to intimidate their accuser in ways people don’t even think about.  For example, in many states a rapist can assert child visitation rights if the female survivor becomes pregnant from the rape and chooses to have the baby.  Women in that position often drop the charges in exchange for the rapist agreeing to not assert their custodial rights.  Worse, by choosing to keep the child, many people end up thinking that the survivor’s original accusation was a lie because “no woman would ever keep a child conceived by rape”.

                We start young with this social programming.  The word “slut” starts coming into play around our teen or tween years as a shameful label (sometimes even sooner).  It gets thrown around a lot, often landing on people who aren’t promiscuous in any way.  I remember a girl I dated when I was a freshman in high school.  Neither of us wanted things to get very intimate – me because I was the quintessential Boy Scout nerd and she apparently because her older sister had gotten pregnant and she didn’t want to end up like her.  I never got the impression that she was in any way “slutty”, yet the rest of my peers seemed to believe otherwise.  ALL of my friends thought she was “bad news” and told me so every time her name came up.  They were never able to give me anything specific about why they thought so, only that they “heard it said” or words to that effect.  I’m very certain she was aware of and hurt by those rumors, and I’m glad she found a way to leave that small town after graduation.   I’m sure many of you will find that story familiar.

                It took me getting involved with Slutwalk to realize just how programmed I was to blame the survivors of rape for what happened to them.  We all say that rape is terrible and that it’s wrong, but how many of us really take a good hard look at how we all contribute to the culture that pays lip service to the evils of such an act, yet won’t think twice about questioning the honesty and integrity of the survivor when they attempt to seek justice?  We’ve seen the examples of the blind, willful ignorance that feeds our cultural attitudes about rape from entertainers like Daniel Tosh or politicians like Todd Akin.  It doesn’t take rabble rousers or radicals or fanatics to take a stand and put something together like Slutwalk.  None of us on the board ever thought we would be a part of something like this as recently as a few years ago.  None of us considers ourselves as outstanding organizers or visionaries.  What we possess, what drives us to organize this movement in the Twin Cities and anywhere else that we can plant this seed is the need to see justice truly done.  We want our society to live up to the values we claim to cherish.  It’s long past time for our society to stop condoning rape the moment we can slap the word “slut” onto someone.  Rape deserves unconditional scorn, condemnation and disgust.  To say someone “deserves to be raped” for any reason is to admit to being just as sick and evil as the rapists themselves.  Our goal requires us to travel on a long, hard road.  We feel that it’s a road worth traveling.  We hope you’ll feel the same and join us.

Hi, this is Kimberia again! 

I am pleased to present the first blogger from my Committee.

Sharla is the vice chair for SlutWalk Minneapolis and she also helps me with fundraising events throughout the year. She’s in charge of the awesome event coming up on September 21st at Acadia Cafe. Music the whole night long! You should come check it out with your friends. It’s going to be a great evening…

Here is Sharla’s thoughts on drinking, behavior, and personal responsibility…

********

One comment I got when I was working at the SlutWalk booth at Pride stood out for me. A girl said that she’d heard guys say that they weren’t responsible for what they did when they were drunk. Here are some words to share with anyone who believes something like that (and when I say drunk, the same things apply to being high on any substance.)

For starters, the obvious: Legally, you are responsible for what you do when you are drunk. If you murder when you’re drunk, you still committed murder. If you rape when you are drunk, you still committed rape.

If you are stupid enough to drive a car when your blood-alcohol level is over the limit, and you get into an accident, you are actually in MORE trouble than you would be if you’d gotten into an accident while not doing anything illegal. And even if you don’t get into an accident, you’re still in trouble if you get pulled over driving drunk - it doesn’t help to say you were too drunk to know you shouldn’t drive drunk! Why are you responsible for what you do when you’re too drunk to know better? Because you should have taken precautions BEFORE you got too drunk to know better. You could have taken the bus instead of your car, or given your car keys to a sober friend.

Some people can’t control themselves when they’re drunk, and do stupid things they wouldn’t do sober. Drunk people also may find it harder to pick up on social signals from other people, for example, thinking someone wants to have sex with them when it would be obvious to a sober person that that person does NOT want to have sex with them.

So I can believe that some people who wouldn’t sexually assault someone when they’re sober might do it when they’re drunk. As well as doing other harmful things. But if you are one of these people, that does NOT mean you have the excuse of blaming it on the alcohol. It means you have to take extra precautions (just like you would to avoid drunk driving) which you arrange when you are sober and in control of yourself. There are a few different ways you could do this:

1. When getting drunk, have someone with you who you trust to prevent you from doing something stupid.

This person should know and accept that they are responsible for keeping you out of trouble, and you should trust their judgement, trust them to stay with you, and trust that they are capable of stopping you from doing dumb things. The method of stopping can vary - it might be someone who can physically restrain you if needed, or it might be someone you respect so much that however drunk you are, you will believe them if they say you shouldn’t do something.

2. Stop drinking before you get to the point where you lose control.

Seriously, why would you want to put yourself in a state where it seems like a good idea to do bad things to other people that you wouldn’t do sober? Sure, drink to the point where loss of inhibition makes you dance, but not to the point where loss of inhibition makes you an asshole.

One possible problem with this method is that loss of inhibition is a gradual thing, and alcohol affects you gradually, not immediately. And when you’re out drinking, unpredictable things can happen, like your friend buying shots of Jägermeister all around - right after you’ve thought, “I should cut myself off now”. So you may have gone out with the plan to stop before you completely lose control, but once you’ve lost control just a little, you may forget why you should stop.

If you’re concerned about this, you could combine this with method #1, by assigning a trusted friend to either tell you when you should stop drinking, or look after you and keep you out of trouble if they don’t stop you in time.

3. Don’t drink.

So, what if you don’t trust yourself to control yourself at all when you’re drinking, and don’t think anyone else can/is willing to either? You could go up to an isolated cabin to drink alone where you can’t hurt anyone, having frozen your car keys in a block of ice. But really, dude, that’s not healthy or fun. If it starts to seem like a good idea, maybe it is time to go to an AA meeting or something.

If you’re telling yourself, “really, I don’t need to drink, and I don’t really have a drinking problem, but I feel dumb if I go out and don’t drink when everyone’s drinking,” learn how to say something like this when offered a drink: “When I drink, I lose control of myself and do stupid things. I don’t want to hurt anyone, so I’ll just have a (non-alcoholic beverage of your choice)”. It is NOT a wussy thing to say. It’s actually really macho. If someone still tries to get you to drink after you’ve said that, they’re an asshole. Or maybe they’re just an asshole when they’re drunk, in which case maybe you should talk to them sometime when they’re sober about what you’ve learned. :)